One Ticket for the Crazy Train Please!

When you are an artist your whole being becomes consumed with outlandish thoughts and ideas on a regular basis. This is how we function, how we are able to create greatness and inspire the world around us, but it most certainly can be our downfall when its consumption takes a wrong turn. I realize that when music starts to top the pop charts it can be seen as less than quality, but I have to say I always go back to Gnarls Barkley's Crazy to remind me that losing my mind is the most necessary action in order to progress. In releasing all sensibility and logic one does run the risk of blowing the most minor instances out of proportion, so the walking of the tight rope between conscious behavior and freedom of thought is an understatement of how difficult the balance can be.

(I would have embedded the original video, but that function has been disabled, so....here is the song with the lyrics)

I do recommend watching the actual video if you haven't seen its rorschach inspired artwork:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w&feature=related

If you have read any of my previous tangents, you will understand all too well how my mind has taken me for a ride on more than one occasion. I don't know if it is a combination in freedom of mobility, a change in climate with the approaching summer solstice which has me feeling like I'm finally back in my skin, but whatever it is I am truly grateful. It is a pleasure to wake up in the morning and set working goals for the day which keep me in a forward motion and healthy mindset. To most people I have always had a fairly cheerful persona, be it genuine or the desire to be pleasing. Usually it seemed based upon the circumstances in which I let myself become involved or allowed to affect me, but recent results have reminded me that happiness is a choice. I am all too familiar with the invasion of dark times caused by fear, self-doubt, self-loathing, all of which result in self-destruction. I can't believe it has taken me so long to understand that choosing to be happy is only difficult if you feel you don't deserve it. Let's go ahead and cliché that out with 'better late than never' I suppose.

My friend Eric whom I love dearly has always said to me, "You are so lucky that you know what you want to do in life", but that has not necessarily been the case. I headed down a particular road because I had this talent, and spent a lot of time listening to other people try to tell me what I should be doing with it. I hated musical theatre, couldn't stomach being a pop star, and the over-achiever in me loved the difficulty of opera and how I was certain I could conquer it. However, the more time I have spent meandering down that path, the less interested I have become in it. I had always hoped I would be the person to change the business and the public's perception of opera, but I have been going about it all the wrong way. At least for me. I have spent my entire life fighting and rebelling against the nay-sayers who think they know what is best for me, including my parents, so why in the world would I fall into the habit of conformation of what others would have me be when it comes to my art? It can be scary out in the world when you've lost a sense of self and all you want is for someone to come along and tell you what to do for an easy fix. I have wasted precious time waiting for life to happen in certain areas and listened too closely to the opinions of others who hardly had my best interest at heart.

SOOOO....it was definitely time to lose my mind, find my inspiration and put on the necessary blinders to keep me from stopping too often to smell the flowers or drift off under the magic spells of someone else's opinion which usually only ended up being poison apples instead of food for thought. Losing the possibility of 'no' really frees up any hold that doubt may try to take. I just needed permission to be unreasonable! That resonates so well within my personality and brings with it such joy to think I can ask for whatever I want, even if I don't get it. However, I'll go out on a possibly delusional limb here and say: when I have the balls to ask for something outrageous, and do so with the most sincerity and confidence possible, I usually get it. When did I forget that I was so audacious? Well, not anymore! I may be creating a monster here, but I cannot convey enough how happy that makes me. It puts that insecure girl's fears to rest, and keeps me from being a belligerent miserable bitch to everyone around me. I have spent too much time being a shrinking violet for fear of offending the delicate nature of those around me, and that only manifested itself in the form of a bitter woman who wasn't being true to her nature and would let loose inappropriate outbursts with a silver-speared tongue. Make no mistake, I will surely continue to shock the world at large, but with that comes the ability to awe and inspire.